Tuesday, June 19, 2012

With my Eyes



Tell me, how would you see your world if you were to look through my eyes? Would the Sun shine as bright? Will seeing the flowers she loved bring you joy or sorrow? Will music sound just as sweet? Or will memories well up so strong that sometimes you cannot bear to listen or see? Do you still occasionally get up early in the morning and race to the country with hot coffee and sit on the hood to watch the sun rise? Looking at your world through my eyes, will it still be just as exciting, sitting there alone, holding no one's hand and whispering to no one about the daily miracle? Tell me if you saw your world through my eyes, would you be more, or less understanding? Seeing your world through my eyes, will you be more or less tolerant? Would you be more patient or less, could you even know for sure which was what and where was when? Will you be excited or bothered when 'friends' come by to comfort you, then steal your possessions, some that you shared with the one you will never see again? Will you be understanding of those who roll their eyes when you begin to softly cry during a movie when two people in love are holding hands and kissing? If you are looking at your world through my eyes and someone asks you "How are you doing?" Are you going to be able to keep your mouth shut and not TELL them? Or will all your thoughts and emotions just fly out of your mouth like projectile vomit, as they back away looking at you as if you have lost your mind? When seeing your world with my eyes, will you nod and smile when you see two old people laughing and holding hands in the twilight? Or be saddened because your lover was snuffed out in mid-life, and you are now alone, and it seems as if no one has the time or patience to listen to, or understand you, or to even try? Often it appears that people barely tolerate me. Are you so sure that you will close your eyes of mine and look away from that friend who just doesn't quite get it? If you don’t see, you will be as unaware as I am. Is it so difficult for you to see my world through your eyes, even for just a moment, long enough to put away your hurt feelings because I was not there for you during the time I was not there for myself? Is it so hard for you to see I am not this way by choice? How would your world look through my eyes? Would you laugh as often or at the same things as before? Will my eyes meet your world each morning with anticipation or dread? Will you close those eyes of mine at night hoping for dreams to come, or afraid that they will? When you see your world through my eyes, is each day going to be an adventure or will you wonder from moment to moment if the very next thing is going to bring you to tears, and a flood of emotions you cannot control? Will you buy things while shopping with my eyes and not have memories of those trips past that make you run from the place leaving your basket behind and racing home to bury your face until you cry yourself to sleep? I would trade my eyes with you, for another chance to see again what the world looked like before. If it only was that easy, except I do not need such a trade, as I have seen with both types of eyes, and sadly the kind that knows death, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and loneliness, is what I see with my eyes now. I did not ask for this, I don't want it; I can barely stand the constant pain, my emotions on a balance beam, the longing, and nearly everyone dismissing me because I 'just don't want to get along.'

I do not have someone to touch my forehead when I am not well. I have no one to treat nice or comfort when she is sad or sick. There is no one for me to greet at the door at the end of the day. I rarely share anything with anyone anymore. I feel as if I have outlived my usefulness, and am in the way. I have had these eyes for just under a year, yet it feels like a lifetime. When was the last time you hugged your lover? When are you going to hug them again? I have not felt the touch of a kind soul since my wife died. Can you imagine how it would feel to you to not hold a special person in your life, or to kiss them passionately? I can explain the isolation a person feels, but why would anyone want to hear about that? My house is no longer a home, the silence is deafening. Shortly after Linda’s passing, I was overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. A 'friend' of mine offered to keep me company, and me being naïve, I was easily taken advantage of. With constant visits, and helping me around the place, I soon gave him much more trust than I should have, and had my situation been any different, I would not have been robbed. He having an ‘agenda’ that I was not aware of, with some friends,  broke into my house while I was sleeping and took among other things, some items left to me by my late wife. Johnny apparently did this just to hurt me personally, he took nothing of any monetary value.  I am not sure, but I suppose he had a great time double-crossing me in such an intimate manner. I know of nothing I did to that would make him act so cowardly, so scandalous, except that I hired him, and fed him and gave him a place to stay occasionally. This act frightened me to the core, to know that while I slept, safe in my home, he and his friends were cleaning out my office. I have now bolstered my home security with video surveillance and I also purchased several fire-arms, and I carry everywhere I go. I do not want to hurt anyone, and my property can, for the most part, be replaced. However, if you threaten me, or I feel backed into a corner, I WILL shoot you—dead. Make No mistake about that. I have watched a life taken naturally, and am strangely fascinated at how a life taken in violence would look.....

I am now considered a ‘senior citizen’ and cannot protect myself the old fashioned way, hence, the guns. I live alone too, and I live in fear, I have no regular visitors or callers, I do not want any harm to come to me. I am wary of others and I trust no one. Maybe things would be different if I wasn’t so often alone, but if anything were to happen to me, it might be a week before anyone noticed.  I am not a tough guy, I do not challenge anyone, but I will take no crap at no time, from no one, no more. I would like to thank the people in my life that have forced me to see just how filthy-rotten this world can be, and so often is. I will not fall victim to lies, promises, thieves, hoodlums, gangsters, panhandlers, friends or relatives. Just be honest and straight forward with me and we'll get along just fine. But, if you have plans, best you choose someone else, or you might be explaining to St. Peter how you got so many bullet holes in you.


Oh, sure friends will offer to help, but there is always a price, either I must wait for them to get around to it, or there is an equity issue, a 'now you OWE me,' attitude. Yes, I get upset and even angry, I have no patience for people that have no patience for me. Sometimes I wonder how I maintain such a pleasant attitude with all my friends, helping hands, and loving family. "Wow, why are you so mad? When you said were not feeling well when I called, I told you I would buy that and bring it to you, because you sounded as if that would cheer you up. And I was going to, but I decided to do my own shopping at the same time and then met some friends there and we went for coffee. I came by three hours after you expected me, your house was open, but I did not check on you or leave your items, I didn't want to bother you. So why are you mad? That is why I'm calling you now, oh did I wake you?? Sorry, no I did knock, but not very loud, you see, I thought you were asleep and didn't want to wake you, so I just left, and oh, I took the  items I brought to you with me.  But I was worried that something might be wrong, that’s why I’m calling you now. So why are you mad? I said I would bring you those things, and I did, just way after you expected them, yes, I know you are not feeling well, that’s why I offered to help out, but I took the stuff with me instead of leaving them. I don’t understand why are you so mad?  It's not the brand I like, so if you still want that stuff come over to my house, I'll give them to you. I don't get you. SO, WHY ARE YOU SO MAD???"

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