Monday, June 3, 2013

In never thought I would get this old and still be this stupid

I understand all too well my own feelings and insecurity, because I deal with both on a daily basis. I can not even begin to describe the conflict that I wrestle with concerning how I once perceived the way I conducted myself. But some day, perhaps several decades in your future, or fewer, you too, will begin to re-evaluate all of your own careful life choices, including those decisions that were forced upon you. Be very careful about doing things without thinking first, there might come a time when wont be able to forget them....You will question which of your decisions affected the outcome of your life, and then play different scenarios in your head, imagining how each would have ultimately shaped you. You will spend much of your time attempting to justify the reasons you felt the way you did when you did what you did, then wonder at how it is you feel so differently now. It will also occur to you that more of your life has past than what's left, and you possibly arrive to the conclusion that you never really had any of the answers. Though you will still be convinced that you actually made some excellent choices, it will be difficult for you to resolve that sometimes things just turned out poorly, regardless. You will feel yourself blush at recalling those things you thought of at the time to be smooth moves, and again when you remember what were thinking, as you were covering your tracks. It will still surprise you when, knowing that even though you got away with something so long ago, and no one will ever discover the truth, you still can't even look yourself in the mirror while thinking about it. Then, after contemplating all those things you once thought you actually had figured out, you become less and less confidant about making any decision ever again. But you will be too stubborn to listen, or allow anyone, to try to give you their advice, because, seriously, how can you trust anybody after everything you've been through, being that you are now so unsure of yourself? The kicker? You will continue to present yourself as you always did. As if you have it all under control..............

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