Sunday, June 30, 2013
With the exception of my feelings of anger, some guilt, and loneliness, I live like a sixteen year old boy on summer vacation. I have no job, no responsibilities, a little money to spend, and no one to answer to. I wake at my leasure and go to bed when I feel like it, or not. I come and go at will, and I am rarely sure where the day will take me..... I now have the life Linda and I had decided we wanted, and worked for, but the only thing I really want is my Linda. Having the opportunity to do as I please without considering anyone else, surly must be a dream come true for someone, somewhere. I can now dedicate all my time to a new hobby, take a trip, see some sights, write, meet new people, and just generally do as I please. Except I cannot resolve the fact that all these possibilities came at the great expense of the life of the one person in the world I would gladly give it all up for, and now nothing seems like very much fun, anymore. Linda and I spent many hours contemplating our life together after the kids grew up and moved. We dreamed of a time for ourselves, well into retirement, and how we could behave like unsupervised children, free to explore, and doing what ever we pleased! We often sat hand in hand, visualizing our twilight years together. Old and saggy, the two of us walking in a park, her leaning on me for support, and me, using my cane on the dogs biting at her fat little ankles. Stopping in a colorful garden and picking flowers to give to my girl, we would guiltily look around to see if anyone saw what I did, and then giggle about getting away with it. We never considered the possibility that one of us would die so young. We just assumed that we would expire together, in the bed, holding hands, and looking into each others eyes. Simply and quietly drifting off, exactly like we did most nights when we lay down to sleep. Well, she did die in bed, looking into my eyes, while we held hands, but she went alone, leaving me here, and she was scared. She told me how frightened she was of dying, and except for uttering, "Oh lover..." I felt so impotent that I could do nothing, except look back at her! I was sitting in a chair next to her as she stared intently into my face, burning each wrinkle, blemish and crease, into her mind, so she would not forget what I looked like after she got to where she was going. She grasped my hand tightly, afraid to let go. Oh God! This is so difficult for me to recall, but I can not visit my memories of our life together without also recalling our last minutes. What a cruelty we had played on us! Twenty eight years, her and me, and we were still silly in love, and I know that she felt cheated every bit as much as I do. I torture myself at times, wondering if she is where she is, and missing me as much as I still miss her. I honestly hope not, for what kind of a life after life would that be, longing for the one who had been your lover for just under half your existence? If I was where she is now, and felt the way I do, I would rather be dead. Linda Maxine Lopez-Musson 07.14.1956--07.02.2011
Monday, June 3, 2013
I understand all too well my own feelings and insecurity, because I deal with both on a daily basis. I can not even begin to describe the conflict that I wrestle with concerning how I once perceived the way I conducted myself. But some day, perhaps several decades in your future, or fewer, you too, will begin to re-evaluate all of your own careful life choices, including those decisions that were forced upon you. Be very careful about doing things without thinking first, there might come a time when wont be able to forget them....You will question which of your decisions affected the outcome of your life, and then play different scenarios in your head, imagining how each would have ultimately shaped you. You will spend much of your time attempting to justify the reasons you felt the way you did when you did what you did, then wonder at how it is you feel so differently now. It will also occur to you that more of your life has past than what's left, and you possibly arrive to the conclusion that you never really had any of the answers. Though you will still be convinced that you actually made some excellent choices, it will be difficult for you to resolve that sometimes things just turned out poorly, regardless. You will feel yourself blush at recalling those things you thought of at the time to be smooth moves, and again when you remember what were thinking, as you were covering your tracks. It will still surprise you when, knowing that even though you got away with something so long ago, and no one will ever discover the truth, you still can't even look yourself in the mirror while thinking about it. Then, after contemplating all those things you once thought you actually had figured out, you become less and less confidant about making any decision ever again. But you will be too stubborn to listen, or allow anyone, to try to give you their advice, because, seriously, how can you trust anybody after everything you've been through, being that you are now so unsure of yourself? The kicker? You will continue to present yourself as you always did. As if you have it all under control..............